Learning to see myself

For a while, I stopped writing.

Not because I had nothing to say — but because so much was happening inside me that I didn’t even know how to explain it yet.

I think the hardest journey I’ve been on lately is trying to figure out who I really am.

Not as a mother.
Not as a wife.
Not as someone with a disability or chronic illness.
Just… me.

And honestly? I’m nowhere near understanding it yet.

I’m trying to accept myself in ways I never have before. I’m trying to be kinder to myself. Kinder to other people. More motivated. More present for my children. More supportive to my husband.

There are so many pieces of me that I’m still trying to put together.

One of the strangest parts of this journey has been sharing my life on TikTok.

For the first time in my life, I’m allowing people to really see me.

And what’s funny is — most of the time, I do not see my disability at all.

I don’t think about it constantly. I adapted to this life a long time ago. I learned how to do things my own way.

So when I see myself walking in a video or catch my reflection a certain way, sometimes I almost disconnect from it for a second.

Like… who is that person?

Can that really be me?

Because in my mind, I’m just living.

That realization has been emotional in ways I didn’t expect.

But it’s also teaching me something important: every single person is carrying something.

Something painful.
Something beautiful.
Something exhausting.
Something invisible.

We live in such a politically angry and divided world right now, and I’m realizing more and more that hate solves absolutely nothing.

My parents and I see the world completely differently politically. My sister too. And yet I still love them deeply.

I don’t want to live my life consumed by anger.

I want to teach my children kindness. Real kindness.

And the truth is, raising older children is harder than I ever imagined.

When they’re little, you protect them physically.

When they get older, you’re trying to shape who they become:
how they treat people,
how hard they work,
how they handle pain,
how they see the world.

That part is terrifying.

But maybe that’s also why this journey matters so much to me now.

Because I’m finally understanding that being whole is not about perfection.

It’s about learning to accept yourself while still growing.

Living with disability and chronic illness is not easy. Some days are brutal.

But slowly, things are getting better.

Not because my circumstances magically changed — but because I’m finally allowing myself to be seen.

And in doing that, I’m finding something I never expected:

community.

There are truly wonderful people out there.

Sometimes we just can’t see them while we’re trapped inside our own little cocoon.

If you’ve been following my journey on TikTok at Between the Flares, thank you for being here.

I think we’re all trying to figure ourselves out a little bit.

And maybe that’s okay.